How I Saved the World by Jesse Watters

Author:Jesse Watters
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Broadside e-books
Published: 2021-05-15T00:00:00+00:00

Chapter Nine

How I Saved Christmas

Like Rodney Dangerfield’s character in Back to School, I found myself, as a senior citizen, causing trouble on a college campus. Maybe not a “senior citizen,” but it feels like that when you’re waltzing around the quad at forty. But in my late twenties, I was young enough to blend in. How was I deployed? To go undercover at a gay, Ivy League sex party.

The Queer Alliance at Brown University threw a legendary party called “Sex, Power, God.” Great branding, I know. The point of the party was to celebrate your gender and sexual identity. And consume lots of drugs and alcohol. It was 2005, and gay marriage was illegal in America. However, the culture was changing quickly. Fox was covering the developments intensely. Brown University, by far the most liberal Ivy, was on the cutting edge of the culture war. Somehow Fox got wind of the “Sex, Power, God” party and sent me to the Rhode Island campus to file a report.

I arrived at Brown and met up with a student who was scalping tickets to the party. Eighty dollars cash. Pricey, but I didn’t haggle, although I should have, because I don’t remember being reimbursed. The party was thrown in one of the classic stone buildings deep in the heart of the main academic section of campus. When I walked in around 10 p.m., the party was in full swing. The grand ballroom was packed with stripped-down male students grinding to house music. It was dark and hazy. The strobe lights lit up the high ceilings, where oil portraits of past school presidents sat perched, staring down at the action. Girls were there, too, also pretty stripped down. Everyone was dancing, having a blast, and making out. Sick party, but I had work to do, so I went downstairs to fiddle with the small handheld camcorder that I’d smuggled in under my hoodie. I ducked into a bathroom stall to adjust the settings and heard a couple having sex in the stall next to me. Either that or a maintenance man was struggling to fix the plumbing. I went back upstairs and shot some debauchery. No alcohol was being served but the crowd was drunk before they arrived, probably rolling on ecstasy, too; it was that kind of vibe. I witnessed another couple having sex behind the DJ booth but didn’t shoot it. I have standards. Eventually the lights went on, but everyone kept going until pretty late. A bunch of students collapsed and had to be escorted outside into ambulances. In fact, a record number of students—two dozen—received emergency medical attention that night. They couldn’t handle their alcohol, among other things. Student fees had been used to fund the Queer Alliance party, which took place on campus, and celebrated a then-controversial and nontraditional situation. There were a small number of students who objected to this. But the most objectionable aspect of the party was the way the student newspaper described me the following

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